Red-handed if fine rat
My first idea was to write a poem called ‘So to spurless doubters’ (anag) and then I remembered I’m crap at poetry. Next I was going to write you a ‘Fiercest Spoil’ (anag) but I realise you have probably eaten my Brussels Sprouts by now so that would be wasted. But as I like playing with words I checked an anagram programme out and found that with the words “Brussels Sprouts” (‘Toss Superb Slurs’) I could make thousands of words, add the extras of “who stole my” (‘Homely Swot‘ or ‘We Smoothly‘) and we can really have some fun.
That’s right; I like to turn nasty mean things on their heads – upside down where they deserve to be! I make jokes and fun, I won’t get cross and angry, wound up and pissed off. I just wonder who and why stole my Brussels Sprouts, whether you enjoyed them and most importantly did you treat them nicely?
I realise that in the scheme of things my Brussels Sprouts are a minor matter, they are not of global economic importance, they aren’t going to single-handedly provide the cure for cancer, stem climate change or give us the answer to world peace. I know that! But nicking my Sprouts means you are a thief and that rattles my trust. It disappoints me (‘dippiest moans’). You’re a bubble burster my friend.
You see we have to trust those around us don’t we. We live alongside each other, work together, travel, holiday and all of this is based on trust. As allotment holders we rely on trust – it’s the backbone of how allotments (‘Mental Lots’) work. I go and tend my patch of earth and in return for my efforts I get some fruit and veg. And in doing so I trust those around me; I trust that they won’t break into my shed, steal my stuff, ruin or spoil things for me. I trust that other people understand maybe even appreciate what I and countless other allotmenteers are doing. Gardening (‘And Ginger’).
I realise that slugs don’t understand the word trust no more than the pigeons or the badgers that frequent my plot. I plant my seedlings and sure enough slugs make a beeline towards them, pigeons (‘ones pig’) peck at the fresh shoots and badgers (‘rag beds’) bide their time for sweetcorn season. But that’s OK, they aren’t humans – I don’t expect a slug or snail (‘gorillas son’) to understand the concept of trust no more than I expect a pigeon to understand bio-chemistry or a badger that of fashion sense. I can protect my crops by laying beer traps for the slugs, netting to stop the pigeons reaching the seedlings and stout canes and nets to deter the badgers; what I can’t do is protect my patch from human intervention. I have to trust.
Gardening is my pastime, I pass my spare time gardening. I get great pleasure from it and you know the best bit? It’s the sharing. Sharing the pleasure I’ve had in growing something from seed that gives me an excuse to call and say ‘why don’t you come over for dinner tonight, we can catch up, eat some good food, have a glass of wine and well, live a little’.
So from your dastardly doings on the allotment I look for the positives –
- I fed someone else my own home grown veg
- Maybe you were hungry or broke and my veg helped you out of a fix
- You did leave me the top of the plant aka Sprout Tops (If you haven’t had them before here are some recipe suggestions)
- I take it as a compliment that you thought my Brussels Sprouts look good enough to eat
- Perhaps you’d promised your family home grown Brussels Sprouts for Christmas dinner and your crop failed and mine helped you save face
- You left me 1 plant
- I got to write a blog post 🙂
But whoever you are I hope that you enjoyed them, maybe you ate them on Christmas Day (‘Tidy as Charms’) with the turkey and trimmings (‘Semi drunk, grim natty’) as part of a festive feast; but I do hope you treated them well and cooked them tenderly – steamed for a matter of minutes (home grown veg takes a fraction of the time to cook) with the love and care they deserve. Or maybe you are a connoisseur and ate them raw in a crunchy winter salad?
But most of all I hope you won’t come back for more.
I don’t know what your thinking is but I do genuinely hope you enjoyed my Brussels Sprouts; I don’t want you to choke on them, or find them full of slugs and bugs. Really I don’t. But maybe next Spring instead of sneaking onto my plot we could agree to share. I could share some seeds and growing tips with you, so that for next Christmas you could grow your own too. That way you could share in the same pleasure that I have in growing and gardening. And yes it would go a long way to restoring my trust.
You did leave one plant in tact for me. For that I’d like to say thank you. I had great pleasure in showing a 9 year old kid today what a Brussels Sprouts plant looks like and how they grow – “so that’s where sprouts come from, how cool is that?! “
Your friend (‘Fiery Round‘)
Edam prone éclair aka I’m an ace deplorer (anags)
Sorrow’s slushy poet stumbles – Who Stole My Brussels Sprouts?
Dear friend and thief – Red-handed if fine rat