Search engines, post titles, a washing machine and big banana conundrum

I remember when I signed up for a blog and read some of the “how to’s” that WordPress provide, tips on how to write a blog post, how to use tags and to write a catchy title. I can’t say I’ve always followed the advice, I often write a literal post title, occasionally I get a bit giddy and think of something vaguely witty, but catchy? I can’t answer that as I’m writing not reading my blog. But it’s the titles that often attract readers to your blog in the first place, so as bloggers we should take a bit of care and consideration when penning our latest missives.

And this leads me nicely onto last night when I logged onto WordPress and the stats page came up first and a little line caught my eye. It came under the Search Engine Terms. Now this isn’t somewhere I’ve previously spent a lot of time hanging out at,  but the question a searcher had entered got me wondering, what do people search for and what answers do they get from my blog?

It certainly piqued my interest and before I could say the word Google I was going back looking at the search terms used. Fun? Yes! Slightly worrying? Yes! Literal? Yes! There are different kinds of search terms from the practical with people looking for tips on how to grow certain veggies, a recipe for a cake or a curry, photos of a specific type of French bean. Hopefully my blog answered their queries. But it’s the search terms that were only entered once that proved the most fun and in some cases downright weird.

So dear searchers, how did you end up here, this is a gardening blog with a smidgen of home-cooked food and the odd forray beyond the allotment and out of the kitchen along the promenade? From my scant knowledge its a lot to do with the titles of posts and recipes with a dollop of tags and categories thrown in for good measure. I’ll leave the SEO geek-speak for the techy blogs, I’m a mere gardener. But I do wonder whether I was the last entry on page 2 of Google search and out of desperation to find an answer you clicked the link to my blog.

I hope I answered many of your questions, but looking at some of the search terms I’m sure the answers or photos you found here were not exactly what you were expecting. And as it’s the slow season for gardening here in the northern hemisphere and besides it made me giggle, I’ve chosen a few gems.  So let’s pretend you are searching, I’m online and I’m trying to answer your question. Here goes –

“Lavender vampires”

Answer from my blog – Now this one has me puzzling, were you looking for Vampires that like lavender as I have photos of lavender but no Vampires (unless of course they are invisible to the naked eye); or maybe Vampires who have a penchant for wearing lavender coloured clothing – I’m picturing a lovely lavender coloured chiffon scarf tied at a jaunty angle to off-set the blood dripping business; or perhaps you meant a vampire who wears a lavender scent, that would certainly brighten anyones day, no?

Well I can give you some Lavender Shortbread or if you aren’t feeling hungry you could go up to the allotment and roll in the lavender – that way you would definitely pick up the scent. But maybe you are a tad confused and wanted a garlic curry?

Lavender_Shortbread (4) - Copy

“grain accidents with happy endings”

Answer from my blog – what were you looking for searcher? Someone falling into a grain silo and surviving? Oh dear that doesn’t sound good does it, well as you have reached a gardening and food blog the best I can offer is a Lemon Polenta cake, where I had a teeny accident with the ingredients and the result was a happy one, probably not what you wanted but maybe while you continue searching you would enjoy a slice?

Lemon Polenta Cake - whole

“Put the chopped beetroot, “

Answer from my blog – Where do you want to put the chopped beetroot searcher? In a jar, on a plate, in a pan on a bruschette? Or maybe you had something else in mind, which has me a bit worried. I’m a pretty imaginative and open person, but I do have my limits so let’s just stick to good old pickled beetroot, I really have way too many pickled beetroot and you are welcome to a jar my friend.

08_17_12_Beetroot (1)

“Mum getting out weeds”

Answer from my blog – hmm, you want a picture of my mum weeding? You obviously never met my mum did you! But why watch your mum (or mine for that matter) weeding anyway, I say do the weeding yourself! Go on, get off your backside and get outside, go on, on with you. When you start weeding you ‘ll realise its sort of therapeutic, admittedly it might not seem like as much fun as watching your mum weeding, but honestly where is the humour in that, wouldn’t it be a bit like watching paint dry? But seeing as you ended up here and I don’t like the thought of you going away empty handed, how about the watering can I bought my mum for a mother’s day present.

Orange watering can
A treasured possession

“vindaloo terrible song”

Answer from my blog – so true !! It certainly is !! But a homemade vindaloo curry is superb and my version will hopefully go some way to making up for that truly terrible song. Oh and I’m sorry I ever mentioned it in the first place!

TajMahal (17)

“I’m sorry I haven’t got a washing machine”

Answer from my blog – puzzled? yes I am! I’m sorry you don’t have a washing machine either, all I can think is that I washed the pots in the garden, ( you see it was the end of the growing season and it’s good to get busy and be a bit tidy every now and then) but that’s where you generally do wash the pots – the potting kind isn’t it.


“the yellow tie is for winter or summer”

Answer from my blog – I have no particular fashion mores and must do’s. And don’t worry too much about fitting in you can pretty much wear what you like on the allotments; obviously for most people the clothing veers towards the practical – you know warm jumpers, sturdy shoes and boots, so come along, wear what you want (within reason….).  But if you do insist on wearing a tie I have no particular opinion as to the colour or the season. But maybe a bowl of Thai Yellow Curry would help you make your decision.


“running on chrysanthemum”

Answer from my blog – I’ve never tried running whilst holding a bunch of chrysanthemum leaves, I’ve also never tried hopping, skipping or dancing with the said greenery. Maybe it’s something I should consider for future. In the meantime I hoped you liked the chrysanthemum greens I grow, I like to eat them lightly stir fried with ginger, garlic, a sprinkle of sesame seeds and a dash or two of soy sauce. Whether or not I fancy running afterwards is a different matter.


“big banana fall”

Answer from my blog – hmm what do you have in mind searcher? A ginormous comedy size banana falling out of nowhere. landing and some unfortunate person slipping on said comedy size banana? Well I can’t really help you with such slapstick comedy routines but you could satiate yourself with a piece of banana cake – I made one earlier this year after a skiing accident, my arm in a sling, so no bananas falling or slipping on bananas, but certainly ridiculous when you think of me trying to bake a cake with an arm in a sling. !

Slef Portrait

“Tuesday thought of the day”

Answer from my blog – be careful what you search for !

Little Martin_Snail

Hope you enjoyed these as much as I did. And of course I want to know some of the funny, weird, odd, ridiculous searches that you have seen, or maybe you might even confess to?!



  • Oh god Claire this post was brilliant. Big Man is worried I´m going to break the sofa as I´m laughing so hard. Of course, I have now popped over to see what search terms people have used on mine and most are reassuringly of the culinary variety. However someone has typed in “beautiful pussy” (am I allowed to type that?) and I am guessing they´re not looking for pretty kitty photos, and I have the question “is camembert stinky”. Someone wanted to make asparagus ice cream (well, each to his own I say) and it seems a large number of people wanted to know how to cook pigs trotters (that was one I could help out with). Yay for all the mad folk out there on WordPress!

  • I once wrote ‘sorry about the bare bottoms’ as a title and this is (sadly) still one of my most frequently hit pages from people who entered bare bottoms .. I am SURE they were not looking for the little sleeping piglet bottoms that they will have reached!! great post.. c

      • ”snake found in udaipur”
        Appears not once but twice! They obviously didn’t like the search resuts they got the first time.
        As to how they came to my blog with this search term? Who knows. There is a post mentioning Udaipur and maybe hidden in this post there is a species of snake I am missing – already re-read it for the obvious: adder; cobra; boa:-) Or come to think about it maybe it was my post about visiting Arne and seeing snakes. That didn’t mention Udaipur though.
        ”Curioser and curiouser” said Alice……

  • There was a post called Stag Party – just a photo of 4 deer, with antlers of various sizes, that strolled through my yard – that has probably disappointed more folks than any other.
    Great idea for a post!

  • Loved this post Claire – sounds like you get some interesting folk visiting your blog. I had a quick look at the search terms bringing people to my blog – nothing out of the ordinary, which probably reflects on my boring post titles. Maybe I should spice things up a bit next year?

    • Be careful what you wish for Sarah 🙂 To be honest most are pretty humdrum, I do sincerely hope people find the answers, the sad thing is that I’ll never know !

  • This a brilliant and wonderful post – loads to try out … loads to take in … loads of enjoyment … loads to look … loads of you.

    • I later thought about that one and wondered if they googled whilst stuck in a heap of grain 🙂 But you are right grain = alcohol = happy ending !

  • I don’t remember how I found your blog, maybe I was the one looking for lavender vampires. In any case, I’m really glad, especially on days like today when a good chuckle does me good.

  • I had a post called “When I was a Mean Girl” that was a big hit. Found out it had gone to a Russian language porn site that translated it as “Being a Naughty Girl.” Funny–you post–love it!

  • Well, my listed searches were downright pitiful compared to yours…the best one I found in the last 30 days was: all keys from food good please thank you
    But I loved reading your post…so clever and it made me laugh! Lavender vampires is my fave. 😉

    • Now what was “all keys from food good please thank you” all about, that is an odd one, and I wonder where they ended up on your blog ?! Too funny Betsy 🙂

      • I had a look – an enlightening experience! The best and most obscure search was “a bluebird comes tenderly up to alight ambiguity”…. Someone else was frantically looking for “herbs christmas poems”, “christmas herb poems”, and “christmas poems with herbs”! LOL!

  • Too funny, Claire. For a time, I was getting people searching for marijuana. Never having used that term before, I’ve no idea why they came to my blog for I could never duplicate that search. That must be some search engine they were using.
    I’ve just had an epiphany! By using the word marijuana — 2 times now — those searchers may now start coming here. I’ve passed the baton, so to speak. Good luck with that, Claire. 🙂

  • GREAT post Claire! Lavender Vampires sounds like a great name for a folk/punk band; as does Spider Con Carne which is still one of my favourite search terms someone used to get to my blog. I’m thinking they probably had a spider plague and wanted a useful way to repurpose them.

  • Claire I so loved this post! How people find their way to us is a fascinating study! I love that you’ve kept track & shared! (and your responses are priceless!) I’ve had some doozies but I can’t seem to resurrect them…right now they’re all humorless, straightforward, practical, but the next time something approaching the likes of yours comes along (gems all!) I’ll be sure to pass them on to you. I do know of someone who writes a deeply thoughtful, spiritual blog who once wrote about worshipping at the feet of, and for months and months she got inquiries related to foot fetishes and blue shoes. 🙂

    • I just went to my stats page, hit the serch engine terms and then clicked on last quarter…. but now I’m going to keep an eye on them …
      Just love your friends foot fetish and blue shoes story, well love is proably too string a word, worried is more accurate 🙂

        • Here’s one Claire!… “wrinkled silk stockings & high heels” I LIKE that one! A little disheveled and suggestive. (They probably left pretty quickly after seeing my little apron..)

  • Oh this post was so much fun. I also really wonder what people are looking for in their searches. However, one that did make me chuckle most recently when some one typed in “garlic house” and arrived at Bam’s Kitchen. Have a super day. BAM

  • Still laughing aloud at the end of the comments: this blog will be marked for a reread! As I am a cuckoo in everyone’s nests and do not have my own blog, I had no idea of such search engines . . . oh dear, I may owe some posters as abject apology with some of my irreverent remarks: lesson learnt! I started following one blog over two years ago – took me months to realize why the other names were a different colour 🙂 ! After that it has always been a matter of interesting comments or ones with which I agreed, then a look see as to what they did and a subscription – an ever widening fascinating circle . . .

  • What fun! It is so interesting to see how folks responded to your various blog entries isn’t it? I must see what is going on with my blog now that you have opened up the door Claire, Thanks and Stay warm.

  • These are so amusing! Perhaps the first searcher was attempting to unearth the secrets of growing vampires that smelled of lavendar?

  • a wonderful post claire, richly entertaining thanks to those cryptic search engine terms and your creative responses … i do wish my lavender had not all passed away … lavender shortbread would be delicious 🙂

  • As you know, Claire, I got to know you after seeing your arm in a sling, and wondering what the rest of you looked like. But I have to admit, that up till now, I never checked what people searched for to find me. I do know that as a searcher, I have often put an obscure combination of words in line, hoping that I would get an answer to a question… and to my gratification, I have often found the answer. I am not sure how it works… but these robots seem to understand what some of us are looking for. In the case of your blog, I have the feeling that a few were disappointed. But on the other hand, maybe a few, like me, enjoyed a good smile…

  • To funny…..I have laughed at a few searches that have led some people to me….
    but on a more serious not–I had a few “sicko’s” somehow end up finding me too!
    Let’s just say the sweet picture of my daughter and her new horse picture was not what someone had in mind!!! Which is the very reason my kiddos aren’t on my blog much….. Lavender vampires–awesome. Sounds like a movie or book!

  • Well I went to check for the last year and have decided that I must have the most boring blog ever. All my searches were for food terms that I used in my post except for two…traditional Irish clothing and west indies bedrooms. What is funny is that I have never mentioned either in a post. Maybe I sound plant some lavender in my summer garden next year just to make life interesting blog wise.

  • Hi Claire. I am addicted to reading people’s search terms. They are so much fun. Sometimes, you can’t possibly imagine what they were search for

  • I found you via the “Topics” page at I typed in “gardening” and yours was the absolute first blog the search returned. 🙂
    Re: the stats area…I’m one of those people who has looked at the stats page exactly twice! Consequently I know zilch about what’s on it. I’m sure I’d feel differently and analyze the stats in depth were I blogging with an eye toward marketting. I mainly joined WP to leave a piece of my life behind after I die (seriously!!) And since I’m not dead yet 😉 I’m clicking your lavendar shortbread cookie link next…more comments to come!

  • I’ve just had one of those weeks where I’m playing major catch-up, Claire, but I had to let you know I’d read this post. It’s just too funny! I need to spend some time seeing what searches have come to my blog. I can’t imagine they’d be this funny! I wish I remember how I found your blog, Claire. I know that I “came in” as you were recovering from your skiing accident. I love the name of your blog, so I think I must have seen you commenting on another blog. Hopefully some of those odd searches led to others who have decided to stick around! 🙂

  • This was hilarious, Claire!! I’ve always wondered how those search engines worked and now you’ve made perfect sense of them.. I think:D I can’t believe the strange things people Google.. but your writing gave me just the best laugh tonight!! xx

  • I’m gone to tell my little brother, that he should also go to see this blog on regular basis to obtain updated from most recent reports.

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